My marriage is unsteady
My marriage is based on an unsteady foundation. Any relationship guru, or uncle next door would tell you strong foundations are a necessity to maintain a resilient relationship, you who are embarking on the journey of spouse finding have heard this before so I will not expand. Let us at least agree that no matter how sturdy the majority of your foundations are, if even a single block of your build is bogus, the stability is in no doubt compromised.
I do not plan to go into the jurisprudence of temporary marriages, nor am I interested in what role it has to play, if any, in our modern day societies wherever we are in the world. I plan to simply, and unapologetically bring it home to you dear reader, just how much of an impact practices like this may have on some lives (including your own if you practice temporary relations of this sort), no matter how much you believe your practice is a secret to you and only one other. This will be a raw, uncensored account and take what you will.
If any of these words hit quite close to home to some then I sincerely apologise if you feel you have been judged, or perhaps you are merely judging your own experiences.
The story begins...
The story starts the same way as most marriages, the regular calls, messages and meetings. We are both looking for a lifetime partner and neither of us wanted to waste time. As mature individuals we agreed on complete transparency during those early stages.
"I'm a divorcee" he said. I was not at all phased, not a single cell in my body thought to hit the reject button at that stage. He was a man who had gone through a rough patch in his life. A legitimate marriage that sadly did not work out. That is fine. We live and learn and we get given chances in life.
Conversations continued and we came to discuss mutaa also known as temporary marriages and our opinions on it. It was made abundantly clear that I could not and would not consider a man with a mutaa history. By mutaa I mean the kind where you are 'getting- to -know- someone- for -marriage- but- be-casually- sexually-active - with- them -in- the -process'. We all have some form of criteria and this one was a big one for me for various reasons. I would consider a divorcee, even perhaps one with a child, but no further history than that.
Now this story of ours, is not intended to point fingers at those who practice mutaa relationships, rather, the intent is to display and warn you of the harsh realities that may come to surface as a result of such practice. See it as an older sister giving you something to consider before you embark on temporary relations whether you are a male or female. I in no way believe this happens in all cases, but here is my reality for you which is probably a reality for many men and women who probably have thought this has only happened to them. The events are real and no character descriptions have been given to protect identities of all involved.
Not all was as it seemed...
I got married to this wonderful man. A man well respected within the community, a man that came across as very by the book, religious, spiritual, and wanted nothing but honesty in his new relationship as deception was one of, if not the main issue that broke his first marriage down. I could not believe how this man was still single knowing how highly regarded he was. I felt lucky he would consider a mediocre individual like me.
So when did I start to get clues that not everything was as it seemed in my understanding of who my husband was? The first worrying clue reared its head only days after our nikkah was recited.
We came back from our mini-moon and so my life started with him. Moving in with him was a smooth transition. He helped me put my own touch on his house so I can make it feel like my home. I appreciated that. Part of that process meant I had to have a clear out of his things. He gave me full access to everything. “You are my wife”, he said. Nothing to hide.
That is when I found a box of 12 pack condoms with only 6 condoms left. As I write this, the same physiological response occurs in my body as the first time I discovered this. Blood rushing to my face. The adrenaline pumping through me, and not from something exhilarating. That feeling of a deep ache within the heart but with no option of medicine to alleviate it. I did not even need to do the maths. I was too newly married to be confident they were not all used between him and I.
He divorced many years ago. The box looked relatively new. It did not make sense. But I am married now. I made excuses, benefit of doubt card granted. What I should have done was bring it up gently and have a discussion. I was too nervous for that, not of what the answer may be but how it might make him feel. I do not like confronting people or provoking negative feelings which I am sure would have happened no matter how much I would have tried to sugar-coat the subject. I tried to make a little joke of it to see his response. A response that did not fill me with much confidence but did not give me enough substance to make a conversation out of it either.
That is when I made my first mistake and decided to bury my head in the sand and pretend that I was only his second sexual partner in his life. I had to be. As the "settling into our home" continued I realised that I actually surpassed the number 6 as a minimum, as my position in history of sexual partners. Based on clues left behind, photos, emails, texts, a whole host of qualitative data he had left behind.
I should mention here I am still married to my husband. I love him dearly. Not for this. This discovery almost broke me before it broke us but we have been working on it as we approach yet another anniversary. To date I do not actually know what his actual number of mutaa partners are, I never asked, but after being sure I was not number 2 it did not and does not matter anymore.
Their mutaa tore more than just my heart apart
Here is the ugly truth of how his history and lack of declaring it despite me having brought it up lead to my rapid decline in health. First my mental state went from a happy, go lucky girl to probably undiagnosed depressed, anxiety stricken individual with almost nightly panic attacks. He could not understand it, and I could not explain it. He could only notice a pattern that every now and then I would be distant as the thoughts of him and others crept into my mind. He did not know that I knew and I could not have him know what I knew.
Smear test. My first ever. Results came back positive with a sexually transmitted infection. There was the moment the act of someone else's mutaa went from affecting my mental state to now my physical health. This was further proof of things I did not want to be true. I had only one sexual partner, I had contracted it from my husband. My GP had me registered at my old family home still. Mum had accidentally opened my letter from the GP explaining these abnormal findings and the need for me to call back for further tests.
She had googled terminologies that were facing her in my confidential letter, and the stream of worried texts and calls from her began. I lied, even to her face I lied. I said the GP had apologised as the results were not mine and that in fact I was fit and healthy. This seemed to have worked. I need to protect my husband. His image was on the line here.
That moment after I put the phone down having just discovered my results, I cried. I cried loud. My husband came to find me, he put my head on his lap and stroked my hair to calm me down. I wanted him to hold me close but equally I wanted him as far away as possible. A very confusing halfway house to be in. Perhaps it was the feeling of not being able to sink any lower that gave me the courage to ask while my tears were soaking his trousers: "Apart from your wife, has there been anyone else? Please tell me the truth, I need to know". He answered very quietly and gently but with an air of real guilt "no, there was nobody else."
I cried even more.
Time passed and the health situation got much worse. So much so I ended up with a dreadful infection affecting the vaginal area. Sex became extremely painful, but I felt the need to persevere. I put pressure on myself to be as sexually available for my husband as possible. The thought of others having been available for him in the past drove me to feel this way. I would make sure he would not see me wincing and I would bite my lip until it was over.
It was not over for me. The infection went from bad to worse. I got taken in to A&E and admitted in. The consultant could not believe how I had managed to persevere with it for so long. A procedure which is usually done under General anaesthesia was required in order to drain the infection. Knowing that there will be a delay in recovery and having to explain my absence to family I begged to have the procedure under local anaesthetic instead.
I begged because I did not want anyone to question my husband. I begged because I wanted to protect his reputation. I begged because I knew their pain and his, if he was caught out would be deeper than mine.
Their mutaa tore more than just my heart apart. I can still feel that scalpel as it slowly and agonisingly cut me deep, down below. I was thoroughly consented, the surgeon asking me if I was sure, like a question given on a game show, “Going ahead? Is this is your final answer”? Without hesitation I gave him the go ahead. He had warned the local anaesthetic will not be enough to numb the pain. Whether it was the deep cut or the anaesthetic, one of the two, I do not know which, numbed the sense of betrayal by my husband albeit temporarily. I put my hands over my mouth to muffle the screams of agony at decibel levels I never thought I could reach. Let us add post-traumatic stress to the list of things I gained from someone else’s past relationship.
Temporary practice, years of consequences...
So there you have it. Consequences in all its glory. Perhaps other women or men could have dealt with this better than I did, but ultimately this warning is so that you do not assume the person you are talking to for marriage will be accepting of this history. Particularly if they specifically ask as it may be the deal breaker that would have resulted them leading a different life, one without you in it.
Do not hide it, or if it is uncomfortably embarrassing to disclose it then make your excuses and let them go. It would be the kindest thing you do for that person by not laying a bogus building block down. Do not be the first to do that, and no doubt someone else may come along who would let your bygones be bygones.
My husband was genuinely sorry when it finally all came out. It was an unbearably painful conversation to have but we had it. I saw how he wanted that aspect of his past to be put to rest and he genuinely wanted to move on from it hence not admitting it sooner. He buried his head in his own patch of sand, perhaps wishing he would have rather lost me to the truth than now facing the scenario we found ourselves in.
Health-wise I have almost made a full recovery. My husband has been by my side ensuring it. I appreciate the lengths he has gone to, whether out of guilt or love I appreciate it either way. I have said my vows and I respect them today as much as I did on the first day they were read. I can hand on heart say I have forgiven him, sadly it is the forgetting that is not easy, so occasionally something will trigger those thoughts of "I wish I had known".
We continue to work it out and I am confident we will get there thanks to his ability to understand and take responsibility, but I implore every man and woman to look into their practices. What you may be enjoying temporarily right now, regardless of permissibility may come back to haunt you later with years of consequences if not a lifetime.
Even my husband would tell you- it is just not worth it.